You wouldn't like me when I'm angry

I was rudely brought down from an exercise high just a few moments ago. I promised Amy that I'd call the customer service line for Chase Manhattan's Health Savings Account, which my employer, Unisys Technical Services, thought it would be wise to switch us to. A few weeks back I received a letter that my home address could not be verified. Yes, a letter. That I received at my home address.

Chase informed me that verification was necessary to be compliant with the Patriot Act. Apparently, if we don't know where everyone lives when they're keeping money in a financial institution, the terrorists win.

Of course, as we all know, that's bullshit. That provision has never stopped terrorists, as they don't use banks. It's only been used to stop drug dealers and to catch politicians with hookers.

The letter went on to tell me to fax something that had my name and home address, like a copy of my license, to them, and that I had 60 days to comply. So, I took the letter to work, made a copy of my drivers license that looked good, and faxed it off. Successfully received.

That was two weeks ago. There was no follow up from Chase, no cards in the mail to access the gobs of money taken from my paycheck to send to them. Amy asked me to call today.

I call, and the coldest customer service rep in the world answers. Cigarette companies have more cheerful reps. I provide my information to her. She informs me that my account is still not opened.

Before I can ask about the fax I sent, she reports that the fax I sent on the sixth was too dark to be read. They never got my apartment number from Unisys properly, so I have to jump through hoops for this.

For starters, the fax was sent on January 2. They should have seen it by the fourth. What the fuck were they doing that week?

Also, why the fuck wasn't I called when you received a fax you couldn't read? You have my goddamn phone number, use it! I could have had this fixed, but you suck ass. Thanks Chase.

I'm going to send them a deluge of faxes and a piece of my mind on Friday (the next time I have access to a fax machine I don't have to pay for). The bitch who answered the phone, the President of Chase and everyone else involved can stick it up their asses.

Fuck you, Chase! You wonder why you were on the verge of failing last year? You treat customers like shit, that's why! Ever last person working for that institution is hereby dead to me and no longer gets any respect. I will be the most hostile customer you ever have.

And while I'm on it, I need to send out some more anger.

Fuck you, Unisys! Morale is at an all time low, you're hemorrhaging customers at an alarming rate, you've even lost government contracts. Might make you think twice about treating your employees like shit with your third-rate benefits, shit wages and poor upper management. I don't care if you fire me as I was leaving you anyway, you bastards!

Fuck you, every last subhuman son of a bitch who crafted, voted for and signed the Patriot Act! Your parlor trick of removing our civil liberties and sanity for your illusion of safety. How's that working out for you? Oh, not at all you say? Well no shit, sherlock!

Fuck you, Pat Robertson! Haiti's earthquake was the result of a pact with Satan? Nice compassion there. Thank you for defining Christianity for all of us.

End of rant.