Food service

Last night, I was dining at a "burger bar" (we'll get to that), I noticed something odd about the mayonnaise. Stay with me here.

They had the squeezie bottles of mayo that have shown up in the last few years. I like these things. I've got one in the fridge. If we can get ketchup and mustard in squeezie bottles, why not mayonnaise? Why bother with a knife?

These bottles were different, though. They were hanging out on a shelf, like one would see at the grocery store, but they were open. Open mayo containers at room temperature?

Needless to say, I was a bit wary.

I check the package. Same ingredients that I'm used to, insofar as I can tell. Same package material. The only differences were a label stating "Food Service Pack" and one showing clearly that no refrigeration was needed.

Can anyone in food service explain this to me? Why do I have to chill mayo at home, but it can sit out among the ketchup and mustard like it ain't no thing when food service is involved?

Does it require the presence of high food prices to avoid going bad? Do the confused looks of women anxiously awaiting their photos to be published on the Suicide Girls website (we'll get to that) maintain the integrity of the oil, vinegar and egg mixture?

What the hell did they do to the mayo????

As noted, the above occurred to me in a venue called a "burger bar." On initial inspection, one expects one of two things: either it's a bar that has burgers as a selling point, or someone is slinging burgers like shots of tequila during move-in week at UT. In actuality, it's neither. It's ostensibly a fast food place with expensive burgers and a full bar, either in plain sight or hidden off to the side of the dining room.

Don't get me wrong, those expensive hamburgers can be tasty. I know a tasty burger when I'm shoving it into my face.

This is your cue to buy me a burger. I like mine with cheese, lettuce, tomato, mayo (as you may have guessed) and no bun.

I'll wait.

Oh, yeah, this is asynchronous communication. You can't hear my hungry thoughts as I tap this out at 10 AM.

Yes, I want ground beef for breakfast. Don't judge.

In any event, these places are popping up everywhere. Some are even foregoing the bar portion of the concept and just pimp patties, fries, sodas and shakes. At a premium. Some offer few benefits beyond not looking like McDonalds inside or out. Some have grass-fed, organic beef. Some just have funny names and pioneered the trend (I'm looking at you, Fuddruckers).

This presents a problem for guys like me who enjoy good burgers. Especially when married to someone who doesn't enjoy beef hates beef and knows it will tear up her insides as she hasn't eaten it in ages. At most places that cater to the general populace, there's food for me and food for her. These new burger places only cater to the consumers of bovine flesh, which is (sadly?) no longer the general populace and hasn't been for at least sixty years.

A new day will dawn and yet another fancy "burger bar" will open its doors in Austin. And I will feel compelled to shell out anywhere from eight to twenty dollars for a meal there. Because I'm an idiot? Yes. Because I love burgers? Yes.

Ignoring the previous two causes, though, it's all their fault. *shakes fist*

At least one of these locales has decided to go with the very progressive stance of allowing their waitstaff to modify their bodies in any way seen fit. I fully support this. If it bothers the squares, let them pay eight dollars for a hamburger somewhere else, perhaps Fuddruckers.

Given who I am and my own experiences (since, well, that's a good chunk of how the brain works and all), when the waitresses take this to the logical extreme, only one thing can be triggered. When the bizarre ordering method (I'm not going to bother with this one, so ask me later) is explained by a young woman with full sleeves, multiple facial piercings and black hair that is unlikely to have come from her head and likely from a bottle, the mind goes to one place alone.

Some of you are with me right now. The rest of you didn't spend as much time as I did looking at punk rock models on the web.

As alluded to earlier, I'm talking about Suicide Girls. A website for people tired of blonde models plastered all over everything. They pushed a more realistic view of women, or at least they did. It's been a while.

This is all well and good, though it's not really what I want to think about when I'm eating. My primitive primate brain can only hand so much at a time. I've formed associations that, while positive, detract from my burger experience.

It's a good idea to separate these stimuli. It's not like I go to the strip club for the steak and shrimp. Or at all really.

This is, again, my fault. Connections wouldn't have been formed without experiences I chose to have. I allowed myself to munch on a burger while repeatedly hearing songs by AFI and The Used dancing in my noggin.

Do you ladies run into the same kind of associations? Is there a male equivalent of Suicide Girls? If so, will you kindly refrain from liking me to it, as you know I can't resist links from friends?

Is this a problem we all share, or is limited to men? Or, as I can only assume, me.

You can tell I got up much earlier than planned. that last section wasn't nearly as strong as I'd like it to be.